Lately I’ve been helping a beautiful lady I know to improve her English since she’s getting ready for a major trip to New York and Florida in 2 months.
Since she’s never been to the US I often find myself answering her questions about American culture and how American’s interact with each other.
Invariably one of the first things I explained to her was how expressive Americans are with the way we speak. I told her that you will ALWAYS KNOW how American’s feel about any given subject because of how expressive our body language, facial expressions and tonality are..
Or in other words..
America is the only culture in the world that could take a formal.. “How do you do?”
And morph it into..
“WASSSUPP!!”
When I said this she just let out this incredibly huge smile and wonderful uplifting laugh..
But then she did something that I’ve noticed time and time again with many other Russian Women..
She quickly buried it..
Or at least she was struggling hard to put a lid on it even if her flushed cheeks wouldn’t completely let her get away with it.
Of course when I encounter something like this it just reminds me to make a continued effort to understand her.. And what I’ve discovered so far get’s pretty deep into one of the major differences between our two cultures…
On the surface one of the most important things you need to understand about a traditional Russian Woman is this..
Displaying a sense of dignity means EVERYTHING to them.
(But as we will see.. there is more to this then meets the eye)
Now obviously anyone can go completely overboard with this whole dignity routine but in general women carrying themselves in this manner is a very good thing.
It’s no secret that when Men like me are around dignified Women like this that it truly nourishes our Souls. Sometimes Women like this come off as being shy and this is still a very pleasant thing to be around.
And as you can imagine this is direct contrast to the many obnoxious ones that we experience on a regular basis in the US.
You know.. the one’s who carry the.. “I’m gonna give you a piece of my mind” attitude like a chip on their shoulder.
So I started to think a long time ago that..
A Russian Woman’s sense of dignity was actually a larger part of her Grace and Femininity.
And if that’s an accurate description then I’m NOT about to start cutting into that now aren’t I?
But as with all things in life there are some minor trade-offs to contend with..
And for this particular lady and for many others like her..
Her ingrained sense of dignity comes at the expense of not allowing for a wider bandwidth of emotions and expressions that we are so accustomed to in the West.
Now on one hand this is what makes many Russian Woman seem like they could easily be the next James Bond Girl with the air of mystery that hovers around them.
But on the other hand sometimes you really do wish that for once you could get a girl rolling on the ground with something funny you’ve said.
(I’ve certainly done it before.. it does takes some work and a willingness to clown around a bit.. but it’s certainly worth it.)
So being the detective when it comes to understanding these Marvelous Women.. I decided to ask one of my very enlightened lady friends named Sonya as to why Russian Women are so often afraid to show their emotions in public company.
I was expecting Sonya’s answer to be based on my existing assumptions related to a Russian Woman’s cultural upbringing and expectations.. etc. etc.
But what she said completely surprised me..
“We are afraid to show our feelings to Men because we are afraid that they will reject us..”
Say WHAT?” I replied..
“It’s true..” She continued…
“Because If we don’t show our inner world to a Man then we don’t have to worry about getting hurt especially if he sees who we really are and doesn’t like us… When we allow ourselves to laugh or smile we are starting to show who we truly are to him and that is very scary for many Russian Girls..”
What Sonya told me was all starting to make sense given what I already knew about the demographics and the constant risk of rejection that these women face.. It also made sense to me why in some cases Foreign Men who came over to court Russian Girls sometimes encountered women who lacked emotions and were perceived as cold.
I could realize how easy it would be for any of these Women to assume that all Men were the same in ultimately wanting to hurt them no matter what part of the world they came from.
So does this mean that Russian Women are incapable of projecting deep emotions towards a Man?
Of course not..
It simply means that her acceptance and trust towards you may take a longer time then what you are accustomed to and that you may need to show more patience and gentle persistence in order to gain her trust… and ultimately her love..
But when you finally reach this point with the right Woman..
You will realize that it was certainly well worth the effort..
Because in life there’s nothing quite as rewarding as the warmth you feel when you are able to give a beautiful women like this..
The Genuine Gift of Laughter.
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Quite an interesting thought…
wheres the photos? :0)
I am sure you brought it up some time ago, but since you just mentioned that you teached a woman some English, let me ask you, rw_man,do Russian woman generally speak some English (or any other language)? I am perfectly willing to learn some Russian, but obviously this will take some time. And I would rather go over to Russia sooner than later. Which of course is to a big part due to your blog. The other part is that I met some (married) Russian woman over here: I really was impressed by their charm, their dignity and their natural beauty.
Hi Hayo,
There are many Russian ladies that have acceptable levels of English. I know I will be writing a post on this issue at some time in the future. Thank you for letting me know that my blog had an impact on your decision to find a Russian Woman. It’s great to know that along with the fact that you have been lucky to have already met some Russian ladies in your area and can start to see for yourself some of the things that I and many others talk about here. When you get closer to actually going look me up and maybe I can do something for you.
Cheers, GL
quite an interesting post.
I have similar feelings towards women here in the USA. I still have very difficult time trusting women. I still don’t share my emotion towards women. I have been burned and used up by those women so many times. From my past experiences, sharing emotion with girls would come back to haunt me in the future. I had enough with all of this. I don’t want to have another scenario like this again.
Being honest with myself, I still have a very heavy emotional scar that would take me very long time to heal. I am trying my best to get myself totally healed by taking care of myself and finding ways to make myself better. Outside sources like psychologists have been becoming so useless to me. It would take me very long time for myself to open up to girls.
The bottom line is that I am afraid to show my feelings to girls because I’m afraid that girls would manipulate my emotion and deceive me for her own selfish pursuits. I’m sure that many American men may have similar feelings as I do. I can be testy initially when I meet a girl for the first time to make sure she’s the right person and trustworthy. It would take me very long time for me to reach that level of deep trust.
Similar fear… but opposite gender… Aren’t they suited for each other???
I think the best solution for men like myself is to get hell out of the USA and live in other country such as Russia to experience real difference and real girls.
By the way, RW_man, I just found your e-mail after cleaning up my mailbox. I’ll get back to you.
Spasiba for the quick answer, GL. I appreciate your offer! Since Siberia is not a particulary well developed touristic region (at least these guys in the travel agency over here looked – to say the least – a bit confused when I told them I want to make vacation in Siberia in January-February, but of course I did not tell them about my dreams:)) any informations and especially generous offers to help are always very welcome. Are there any websites you could recommend? Of course I checked already.
Have a good weekend and take care (of yourself and of all your beautiful friends:))
Cheers back
Hayo
Very enlightneing RW_Man. It explains alittle more of the way my lady friend has been to me lately. Alittle more protective and aloof. Perhaps the feelings she is expressing may mean she is more serious than I may think?
Your insite is mind opening as usual. More thoughts to ponder. Perhaps Natalia could shed some more light on this as well?
Canajun
Oh so true! One thing that will always get my Russian fiance to laugh is when I butcher the Russian language. Pronunciation is difficult! She will laugh at that – in a nice way, not in a hurtful way.
It took her a long time to open up, and I will tell you the same as RW – dignity is everything on an individual level. Happiness of the home is the other. This is how they define themselves.
On my side, the hardest thing to learn was that being loving and kind toward her was NOT going to be returned with scorn and contempt.
Thank you Rule62. I’ve been slowly discovering this, and like you say of the Russian language, she seems to get quite a kick out of my learning. She is an english teacher by her schooling and at least I’m able to realize my understanding of that language is better than I thought.
She is very honest and sincere in her ways and dignity is definately there. I’d just not thought of it that way and it is a rare thing for me to identify this style and type of dignity. We communicate as two people, not man and woman or adversaries. It is a wonderful journey on which I’ve embarked. Thank you for your insite as well as RW.
Canajun
I agree on your comments about their public stoicism, GL. I would label it their ‘game face’, privately. Once the trust is gained, then you will see the whole woman. Trust me guys, it is worth the wait. Remember Winston Churchill’s comment on Russia: It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. Be patient, solve the puzzle and enjoy the rest of your life with that special woman.
I would rather have a woman that was less emotional and “expressive”, frankly I have had enough of that crap.
It is a breath of fresh air to experience women who are modest and graceful, who are content with saying nothing whilst showing you everything. I like repression it is graceful and proper, it avoids arguments and confrontations.
Thank You, From C.
Intresting post. Laughter does have a way of bringing down walls. (Even in the most cold bitter, and controlling women.) Most of the time, the more you get a woman to laugh the more her defenses start to crumble. She actually enjoys herself more because she’s being herself. Granted, I’m not talking about fake, superfficial, controlled, laughter… but the real thing.
A lot of women hate this, (especially control freaks) because it takes away an element of control. What frightens controlling, westernized women more than anything you ask? Being out of control. Maybe that would explain why just about every other woman on the singles sites I check out, (every now and again out of boredom) wants a man that can make her laugh. She’s so use to wearing a “game face” that she can no longer turn it off voluntarily. She needs someone to make her laugh, and that involuntarily shuts it down. You get to see a little bit of the real person. For most women, whatever their culture, where ever they’re from, this can be a frightening experience. Which is why many recoil afterward. Just braceing for a rejection I guess…. (a reject you before you reject them mentality.) Westernized women truly are cowards when it comes to this kind of thing. At least, as far as my experience goes.
I read this blog all the time. It’s really nice to hear something positive about women for a change. That there still are women out there that haven’t been so hurt, feminized, and brainwashed that they’re unapproachable. I just wish I didn’t have to go all the way to Russia to find one. Then again, maybe Russia wouldn’t be so bad, since I love cold weather so much….
GL,
Great Article. It opens the ‘turning the table’ in a different light. I have written about the tide turning in respect to the Man to Woman ratios between Western countries and Russia. Your article brings to bear the emotional and perhaps the psychological impact this has on both WM/RW courting and dating.
After dating some 100+ RW, I find that they are very fiery and expressive… after prying open their icy plate armor they surround themselves with. I have seen very few RW that wouldn’t open up after a couple of dates.
RoninRWP
Hi Broken_rhyme,
Thanks for joining us.. my apologies for the delayed response.
A friend of mine once said this about Women and Dating..
“As long as you get them laughing.. You own them..”
Very true words as far as my own experiences are concerned. And I will tell you that it’s an incredible feeling to be able to make a traditionally and shy reserved Russian Woman really open up with laughter. To me this is truly one of life’s greatest little pleasures..
I hope you get the chance to experience this for yourself.
Please tell your friends about us!
Cheers, GL
Hi C,
You are right on the money with your comment.. quite frankly when you are surrounded by ladies that hold themselves in this manner it’s like a total breath of fresh air. It difficult to describe but the best way I can explain it is to say that it’s one of those things in life that give you a sense of “oneness” with your life and your environment.
Your welcome by the way..
Spread the news.. eh? GL
Ronin and Joe,
Yes.. you guys are right..
Give it a few dates and allow her trust to open up and you will be in for a very pleasant surprise.
That’s when they are usually more open about the line of questions they give you and it’s great to see (and to feel) the level of fascination that they have for your answers..
It’s great to feel novel and appreciated on this communication level so early on..
All Hails,
thanks Canajun for granting me the expert’s floor )))
While I am putting down an exhaustive scholarly survey on what makes Russian women appear cold, may I entertain you with my own verse telling out the motivations of “tower princesses” and how they are understood by Men. Warning: Sense Dense
http://russianwomenspeak.wordpress.com/2006/11/22/why-russian-women-hide-feelings-dignity-as-distance-princess-syndrom-in-my-own-poetry/
Sincerely,
Comrade Natalia
Dear All,
it seems that everything makes sence in theory, but unless you get down to practice you will never have the real feeling.
I will make it in a few words. A russian woman has her own agenda, which she will never disclose to you no matter how much you try. If it happens and her agenda is met with you, then you have the most supportive and strong woman. In case that at some point in life her agenda is not met, dont expect her to value what you have been through and love and all those not material values to them.
And be aware of the standard communication tricks, they very rarely lie unless confronted, but they are the masters of deception by means of information filtering and telling a story in order to prove their point.
Its good time with them, but also risky at the end, when you realise the true story of what was happening in the past.
And just for you to believe me i had three Russian gfs for an aggregate of 4 years, plus i met minimum another hundred both in Russia and Cyprus and got experience of how their weddings ended up.
I hope you are luckier!
Hi Pamss,
Thanks for your input. I don’t know your background in terms of what happened but as you can tell from the nature of this blog there is some real truth behind the fact that these women have great depth and tremendous potential when it comes to roles that they wish to play as wife and mother.
In spite of this is it ever easy to find the right one? Of course not. It will still remain a challenge for many factors. My hope is to do what I can to help bring about greater understanding about them so that we can have more successes.
The fact that you still continued to deal with Russian Women after 4 years actually says a lot. Because on some level I think you realize they are still the best choice you’ve got for the long term.
Thanks again and Good Luck!
MOST keen observations, Pamss!
Russian women have more or less definite agendas, both in material and non-material terms. They keep them silent, considering that there’s no need to declare them, because “those who won’t fulfill them, won’t”, and “those who would, they would”. I’ve written a whole long post about this manner:
http://russianwomenspeak.wordpress.com/2006/11/10/happy-friendly-smiling-russian-ladies-keep-the-face-mentality/
And indeed, 80% Russian / Western marriages fail, for the below-listed and a host of other reasons.
1. Love styles differ from person to person and from culture to culture. “Love Me Right” and “Love Me, Not Your Own Sense of Being in Love” are two principles that determine a relationship, can make or break it.
2. National mentalities and habits have a great impact on all other daily ways.
2. Russian women seek spiritual connection AND material well-being. This is why a Russian wife is not an “economy pack”, nor a “pet plant”.
3. Most probably, your bride has had experience of male-female communication (and international as well, since she is meeting at least one foreigner – yourself… just like she’s probably not the only date for you, as well!
), may this experience be distant or intimate. It is considered tactless, indecent and harmful, both towards a woman’s current date and towards his possible predecessors, if the woman discusses or even mentions the latter. The only thing you should be aware of is that she’s been competed for. (Look for “One in a Million, Jealousy.net” at my blog; it suggests main rules dealing with this issue, to be yet explained.)
Would now stop self-quoting those many secrets of my fellow-women; too much still has to be written about these “agendas” and “miscommunications”. But I shall unveil the critical ones. Let’s finally spare each other’s time, emotions, spirits, reputations and other assets!
Sincerely,
Comrade Natalia
MOST keen observations, Pamss!
Russian women have more or less definite agendas, both in material and non-material terms. They keep them silent, considering that there’s no need to declare them, because “those who won’t fulfill them, won’t”, and “those who would, they would”. I’ve written a whole long post about this manner:
“Happy & Friendly ! ? Russian Ladies’ “Keep-the-Face” mentality”
And indeed, 80% Russian / Western marriages fail, for the below-listed and a host of other reasons.
1. Love styles differ from person to person and from culture to culture. “Love Me Right” and “Love Me, Not Your Own Sense of Being in Love” are two principles that determine a relationship, can make or break it.
2. National mentalities and habits have a great impact on all other daily ways.
2. Russian women seek spiritual connection AND material well-being. This is why a Russian wife is not an “economy pack”, nor a “pet plant”.
3. Most probably, your bride has had experience of male-female communication (and international as well, since she is meeting at least one foreigner – yourself… just like she’s probably not the only date for you, as well!
), may this experience be distant or intimate. It is considered tactless, indecent and harmful, both towards a woman’s current date and towards his possible predecessors, if the woman discusses or even mentions the latter. The only thing you should be aware of is that she’s been competed for. (Look for “One in a Million, Jealousy.net” at my blog; it suggests main rules dealing with this issue, to be yet explained.)
Would now stop self-quoting those many secrets of my fellow-women; too much still has to be written about these “agendas” and “miscommunications”. But I shall unveil the critical ones. Let’s finally spare each other’s time, emotions, spirits, reputations and other assets!
Sincerely,
Comrade Natalia
(These are no personal remarks, – just addressing the issues concerned)
Hi-
I’ve been dating a beautiful Ukrainian expat, who is extremely capable and intelligent. She displays some of these characteristics. I think, however, that she feels that maintaining an extraordinary deal of dignity in public shows both her independence and my value for being with her. It is certainly true that in private she “allows” me in to her private world, but I’ve noticed that a slip-up in public rapidly results in her pulling back into her shell. Any advice on that?
Also, in an unrelated question- she just recently did something that deserves an out-of-the ordinary reward. Any suggestions for traditional Russian ways of congratulating someone?
Hi Wataso,
restraint in public is a cultural thing. Many women are raised to behave “decently” and not to let third persons “peep” into their relationships, nor “disturb” them with what relates to the couple. In other words, the domain of intimacy is a private space.
As for congratulations. Well, it’s difficult to commeasure without knowing the case…
If it is some achievement in the outworld, it can be commemorated with some symbolic token, – a souvenir, a card, a medal, a poem, whatever, or a thing that would be useful on the next stage of life (a bossy pen, a briefcase,.. a new guitar, a spinning.:)). Also people of our culture may enjoy celebrating victories in the company of friends.
If it is something about the relationships, it may deserve a special gift. Ideas depend on the situation, but jewellery is a traditional fail-proof, – being a memorable, expressive and romantic gesture, which only needs knowledge of the receiver’s taste (e.g. she likes laconic shapes, or feels affinity to certain stones, or hates gold and falls for ethnic craftsmanship in wood / bone), but shopping for it together can be part of the fun.
Anyway, a special time out is either a complement to the gift or a self-sufficient treat. Variants range from a dinner to a getaway, even a skydive if she’s adventurous enough.
It’s all about fantasy, aimed at something new and long-dreamt of.
Sinc., N.